i cant wait for the minecraft update!!!!!!! so much ambience and small fixes ugh. i watched the livestream with my brothers and it was a good time! im so happy we got vanilla shaders omg... i love the pixel-y look of the shadows too. the new egg spawn textures? the greatest. although nothing will ever top the iconic looks, i still like the new cow, pig, and chicken variants (although im confused as to why the cold chicken is purple....) plus, ghastlings+ happy ghasts!!! they're so cute omg with their little pilot hats arghhh!!! plus fireflies are back and fallen trees in java? im obsessed. the main updates i want going in the futre are

• end update! i think everyone in the whole damn community wants it
• desert update, i know they got some ambient sounds in this one but come on. i really wish they were better
• PARITY UPDATE! like they dont have to add ANYTHING new just port features from java to bedrock and vice versa, especially considering that the majority of players play on bedrock, despite it being umm..... ass :3

scared scared scared. fear fear fear good god who do people do it. im a virgin (not suprising). its terrifiying. perhaps that should be expected. igrew up in a religious, conservative family. covered up, hushed up, and isolated. i dont understand how you make the shift to having that sort of connection with other people. its not even the actual action of it. its not like im asexual or something. i love porn, in fact. i masturbate, religiously. i doze off and daydream violent, violent sex. sometimes i look at a guy and fantasize about hunting him through the forest, pouncing on him and then, i suppose, 'having my way'. but then, to actually go through with it? to shed my outer skin and come close enough to another person and allow them to move their hands freely over me? when that opportunity comes, will i? im not sure. id be so nervous, i guess. ideally, id lose my virginity to another virgin, all blushing and unsure and insecure. im stuck in some sexual limbo wanting to get closer and closer, and then oh so far away. i kind of think of it like the atoms in a body. as close as possible, and so untangible they might as well not be there. is there a sex like this? i doubt it.

when i was a little boy (around 11 or 10) i remember coming across a headless bird in my yard. it had a little blood splat underneath its empty space of a head and it laid at the foot of a tree, probably killed by a cat. my family was having a barbaque on the other side of the house, staring out at the street. i looked at it in that way kids do, not really having any thoughts about it. i called over another girl (hooda), one whom i knew by virtue of living in the same area. i wouldnt tell her what it was either, only that she had to come and "see this." she came along, only to be disgusted. pulling a face, she complained that i had even brought her there. it was gross and not worth her time, she said as she stomped back to her house. i didnt disagree. but even as my mom called me back to eat, i just kept looking. what a stupid thing you are, i thought to myself. to have the ability to fly, and still get caught. i never thought of birds as some mythological ancient creatures ever again after that.

i have no friends. i have few (if any) objects of importance to me (sentimental or otherwise). i have no money, no freedom, no experiences. i never go anywhere, hardly outside of my own home. i cant dress freely, speak freely, or even live how id like. i live in a shithole, with parents who 'love', only under a list of hundreds of conditions. i'm not good in school, nor at my hobbies. im stuck in this family, this country, this body. im stuck in a religion made by a man that does nothing but take and take. i cant dream, and maybe never did. theres little ive ever really longed for, and most is unobtainable now. what a ridiculous life we lead. i eat, sleep, bathe, sure. some could argure i live previlieged. but why this? its humiliating, even, how simple my desires are. i wish it were easier. im lost, idiotic, ugly, ineloquent, unpleasent, and unpopular. i march forward without aim. if i were a believing man, at the very least, i could have some Holy War to fight in, die for. I've got none of it. I sit idly as Death unfolds her map. and how stupid that thought is. that i still don't want to die.

i had a benoit blanc styled dream mystery, that shifted over to a superpowered DC-styled battle. i was a small boy with his father and mother (though the mother wasnt revealed till later, for the plot). He always fought with his dad about a box of weapons that he kept in a box at the foot of his bed. one night, he woke up to a sound of his dad rummaging through the crate, presumbly searching for weapons and i felt certain in the dream that it wasnt a one-off thing). secretly, he follows, only to find his dad is with a different woman. shocked, he realizes his mom is also following the duo. i dont remember exactly what the dad + woman was doing with the weapons, but it was for sure dangerous, and definitely not good. when they finished, the duo shared a kiss. the dad was then killed (? i cant remember if thats what happens but he didnt show up for the rest of the dream) by the mom, who went to give chase to the coconspirator. the other woman confronted the mom in the living room of the mansion, where dozens of powered vigilantes had gathered in search of excitement after word of what was going down in the manor spread (i have no idea how it went that fast). i don't remember the mom's skillset of powers (something to do w/ fighting? or firearms?) but she was totally going to beat the chick, until she revealed her own power; light manipulation. she turned off all the lights in the manor, but turned on eyebrow/pupil ring lights, which allowed her to see. they fought in the dark, the only source of light panicked gunfire as mom attempted to stand her ground without one of her senses. then i woke up.